A Scattered Dream
by Estheim
Summary: He'd never once followed through with any threat he'd made to Kaoru, but there were first times for everything. It was just too bad that no one ever told him that not every first was a good thing. HikaKao, HikaHaru, TamaHaru
1. Prologue: A Memory of Our Far Off Past

**Disclaimer:** _Ouran High School Host Club_ and all of its characters belong to Bisco Hatori; this is just a shameless work that isn't for profit.  
**Warnings and Spoilers:** The obvious twincest and possibles sexual situations warnings are here for future chapters. There's also going to be some events built strongly off of actions that are generally OOC for some of the characters for a little while. Spoilers-wise, if you haven't read from about chapter 45 through to the current chapter of the manga, there'll be spoilers for you. Most especially, there will be content from chapters 45, 51, 52, and 53.  
**Notes:** This one, I'm not entirely positive _where_ it came from at first, but I do know exactly where I'm going with it and just where it's going to end up when all is said and done, so at least that's a bonus. Essentially, this came out of rereading the manga again and taking a look at some of what was said between the characters, as well as some of the things that have appeared in certain chapters. Specifically, taking Hikaru's threat of, "If you ever lie to me again, I won't ever forgive you," which was used as his means of trying to get Kaoru to just be _honest_ instead of trying to hide things from him, there formed the question of, "What if he was absolutely serious about it?" Providing that Hikaru actually allows himself to be stubborn enough to follow through with it, this very threat could really spell trouble shortly down the road from there. Another bit that I picked out of the manga was in chapters 67 and 68, in which the twins have made a replica of the Bocca della Verità (you would probably recognize the name as the Mouth of the Truth). Although it is more than just mildly plausible that the twins themselves have, in fact, seen the real thing in Rome as well as would know the history behind the sculpture, I also used this as a gateway for the possibility of them having watched _Roman Holiday_ in their childhood.  
I would also like to note here that, while this entire scenario is based off of actions that are fairly far removed from how the twins would react, I am going to try to keep them _as_ true to themselves as the situation allows for. For Kaoru, this will likely be marginally easier than for Hikaru, at least early in; there will be a change in Hikaru that places him more in line with his natural characterization after a couple of chapters.  
One final mention is regarding something that is going to probably come off awkward as you're reading the story (more for later chapters, but I'd rather get it out of the way now); as a personal rule, I avoid using random Japanese words and phrases in my writing, with the sole exception of honorifics (because English equivalents to Japanese honorifics don't hold quite the same meaning to them). Proper nouns, of course, always get their name in the proper language (which is why I, for instance, kept Bocca della Verità in Italian). However, there is a point where Kaoru reflects on his own speech patterns in contrast to Hikaru's, and I will mention something about that here (these are, in fact, a tie-in to the first difference between them that the series notes, as pointed out by Haruhi). Kaoru, when referring to himself, will always use the personal pronoun "boku" (and when the two of them are chorusing each other, they use "bokura"), and I've _very seldom_ seen him use any personal pronoun for the word "you" (he'll, instead, generally always say the name of the person who he is speaking to). I've seen him, while talking alone, use "anta" to denote "you" only a very small handful of times, and he will use "omae" _if and only if_ he is chorusing a phrase with Hikaru. On the other hand, Hikaru is pretty consistent in using "omae" as his way of referencing "you," but his personal pronoun for himself changes depending on the circumstance (and, seemingly, on how he's feeling as he's speaking any given sentence; there are many instances of him switching which word he uses from one sentence to the next). He _does_, in general, use "boku," just like his brother. In fact, he especially uses it when calm, unsure, or joking around. On the other hand, he has instances of switching off to "ore" (and "orera" to denote "we"), as well, and these are usually when he is angry, flustered, irritated, or otherwise worked up. At least, this is from what I've observed within the manga, via close scrutiny of the panels. The other major difference in their speech patterns comes in their general sentence structure, and this is a little more difficult to really explain. I suppose that the simplest method of explaining this is that they simply piece their sentences together a little differently from each other. Usually, it's just marginal differences, but it is there.

**A Scattered Dream**  
_Prologue: A Memory of Our Far-Off Past_  
by Josie (**artes**)

They'd gotten the idea from an old movie that they'd watched; their nanny had grown fed up with their antics - neither could fathom _why_, as they were simply being the same darling and perfect saints that they knew they always were - and left them to their own devices in front of the television. As long as neither ended up hurt, she wasn't likely to get in trouble, anyway, so she was certain that there was no harm in it.

The two had struggled against each other, each grabbing for the same remote control to find something to entertain themselves with. The conflict led to a small bout of wrestling, five-year-old bodies rolling over, each holding the other down - Hikaru would later puff up his chest and boast that he had pinned Kaoru twice more than Kaoru had managed to do to him - before one (Kaoru) finally managed to roll on top of the other and, having grown weary of the tussle, simply rolled right back off of him, dusting himself off before turning away haughtily and making his way over to a cabinet. Golden eyes followed his movements as Hikaru called out for him to return, but he merely ignored the words and continued to search, emerging victorious with a second control in his hand; he held it as though it were the world's most prized trophy before pushing the cabinet door shut and returning to his brother's side, free hand slipping into the one that his twin held out expectantly to him. A light squeeze, and then each took turns changing channels.

Finally, they found something that seemed oddly fascinating to them, although neither could tell just why. Perhaps it was the lack of color, or maybe it was merely the seeming simplicity of it. Whatever it was, the two boys were enraptured and managed to stay subdued for the two hours that the film ran. Asked after that first viewing, neither could recall the name of the movie that they had watched while sprawled belly-down on the floor, feet kicking in the air and hand-in-hand.

Years later, they would come to know it as _Roman Holiday_.

If anyone had bothered to look into the room - no one did, not even the nanny - as the two remained with their eyes transfixed on the screen, they might have noticed that only one laughed when Joe Bradley played his prank on 'Anya' as they stood before the Bocca della Verità at the Basilica di Santa Maria in Cosmedin; the other had flinched. They may also have noticed the curious tilting of identical heads as the runaway princess recounted her dream of a life free of her responsibilities.

When the credits rolled, the two had scrambled up from the floor, amber eyes meeting and silent plans forming between them before grabbing hold of each others hands and racing off to a different room. Not a single soul within the estate seemed to take notice of their shenanigans, whether out of fear for personal sanity or for having grown accustomed to the sight. One reached out to a doorknob and pushed the door open, the other peeked into the room, head turning this way and that before he nodded to his brother and both sneaked into the room as stealthily as they could manage - the staff of the Hitachiin estate would argue that the two young boys could put even the most well-trained spies to shame if they set their minds to it, and only a handful would be untruthful in the statement - shutting the door soundlessly behind them.

They only broke apart from one another after having taken a long look around the room, each running to pick up objects, toys, and all kinds of knickknacks from shelves and closets and chests, amassing a fair pile on the floor before sitting in front of it, eyes of mirrored gold mischief forging rough ideas and blueprints before they moved again, perfectly synchronized as they placed piece after piece, item after item. A base was formed, and then sides lifting up, farther and farther. Here there was a gap, just large enough for tiny hands to pass through, and over there were impressions that may have been eyes. When there work was done, their masterpiece complete, the two identical little boys sat holding each other's hands, staring up at their project with glowing pride and admiration. One boy squeezed the hand of his brother, and both turned their heads to look at each other, a silent question held in their eyes before the first grinned, reaching his free hand towards the opening. The 'mouth' of their current beloved work. "I'm gonna do it."

One twin's head tilted to the side in confusion and concern, lips pursing and eyebrows drawing together; he knew what they had created, it was right out of the movie that they had just watched together. And if it was _that_ face, then putting his hand into _that_ mouth would be dangerous. Especially since they had just lied to their nanny about what they _hadn't_ put into her breakfast earlier that day. "But Hikaru..."

"It's fine, Kaoru," his brother reassured, raising his head with a slight swish of short, copper hair and a childishly overconfident smile, perfect and gleaming white teeth showing widely; he made a fist with his free hand and raised it into the air triumphantly. However, his twin tugged on the hand that he still grasped, frowning and eying their creation with apprehension as he bit his lip.

"But... but, Hikaru, it's supposed to take off the hand of liars..."

Kaoru's voice was unsteady as he'd spoken the words; he looked into his brother's eyes, gaze steady and horribly worried as he squeezed onto the hand held fast in his own. It was as though he was perfectly confident that his words were simply the most logical in the entire world, and he couldn't possibly fathom why his older brother couldn't see this. But the amber eyes that he stared into simply rolled in annoyance at his hesitation as Hikaru lowered his hand and reached it towards the 'mouth' again, shrugging his shoulders and setting his lips into a grim line. "So?"

"We-"

And that was when it clicked; even though it was just a _game_, no different than any other that they'd ever done, the idea of what they were doing had weighed in on Kaoru as he recalled the scene that they had taken it from. He was concerned that something might happen to his twin brother, in light of the harmless fibs that the two always told to _them_. "I don't lie to _you_, so it'll be fine," he reasoned with mild youthful exasperation. He raised his hand again, index finger pointing up to further illustrate the excessively reasonable point - in his mind, at least - that he was making. "It's not like anyone _else_ matters, anyway, so it won't care if I lie to _them_."

Honey eyes lit up at the words and a bright smile broke out on his younger twin's face; Kaoru bounced merrily upon the balls of his feet for a few moments with joy as the words hit him. "Oh. Oh, right!" He continued to watch as his elder twin reached for the third time towards their makeshift Mouth of Truth, gaze transfixed; his body was wracked with apprehensive tingles and shivers as Hikaru's hand disappeared into the hodgepodge of objects they had pieced together, fingers tightening as he gripped the other boy's hand far more tightly than he had previously. Suddenly, one of the elder twin's eyes clenched shut as though in pain and he let out a small sound of discomfort. Immediately, his younger brother's eyes widened and, frightened, he began to exclaim breathlessly, "Hika-!" He cut himself off, however, seemingly fearful that he would cause trouble if he completed his brother's name, and the older of the two withdrew the appendage from its place, relief flooding his twin's features before two pairs of golden eyes fell to where his hand _should_ have been. Hikaru's eyes widened first in horrified shock, and Kaoru's followed a split second later as he screamed, "_Hikaru_!" The sound reverberated in the room as the two continued to stare, before Hikaru pushed his hand out from his sleeve, laughing splendidly at having perfectly executed the movie's prank. The younger twin immediately turned to him, free hand hitting him repeatedly - in the chest, in the arm, once or twice on his face and neck as Kaoru swung wildly - tears welling in his eyes and spilling unabashedly down cheeks that quickly turned blotchy and red. "It's not funny! It's not funny, Hikaru!" he cried, over and over again.

"It's fine, it's fine. Look, look!" Hikaru gasped out between chortles, free hand waving in Kaoru's face, but the action merely caused the other's tears to increase as Kaoru fell against him in a sobbing mess. "Geez, I can't believe you fell for it, anyway; isn't it just like the movie? Come on, stop that."

"But... but you said it wouldn't do anything 'cause you don't lie to me, and then you did that, and... and that meant you must've lied to me if it took your hand," he whimpered pathetically, clinging to his older brother. His tears refused to subside; finally Hikaru began to comprehend what the problem was.

"Kao-"

He was cut off when Kaoru continued to speak. "A-and you're not supposed to lie to me, 'cause you're my twin..."

And there it was.

There was no hesitation as short arms wrapped around a tiny body that was a perfect double of his own, one hand patting copper hair as the other rubbed his brother's back; he shushed Kaoru gently, standing up on his toes to press a kiss to his fretting twin's forehead before smiling reassuringly, but to no avail. Still the tears fell from golden eyes that were hidden from how his eyelids had clenched so tightly shut. Hikaru frowned in consternation, leaning in again to kiss Kaoru's left eye, hands resuming their previous motions as he spoke placatingly, "Kaoru... Kaoru, I've never lied to you, I promise. I promise, I won't ever, ever lie to you. So don't cry anymore, alright?"


	2. Let Us Relate the Tale of Orpheus

**Disclaimer:** _Ouran High School Host Club_ and all of its characters belong to Bisco Hatori; this is just a shameless work that isn't for profit.**  
****Warnings and Spoilers:** The obvious twincest and possibles sexual situations warnings are here for future chapters. There's also going to be some events built strongly off of actions that are generally OOC for some of the characters for a little while. Spoilers-wise, if you haven't read from about chapter 45 through to the current chapter of the manga, there'll be spoilers for you. Most especially, there will be content from chapters 45, 51, 52, and 53.  
**Notes:** The majority of my notes for this are off in the prologue section (particularly ones regarding an awkward bit of wording in this chapter). Well... this chapter is mostly a set-up and lead-in to things that are to come.

**A Scattered Dream  
**_Let Us Relate the Tale of Orpheus and His Eurydice  
_by Josie (**artes**)

_"Kaoru, I've never lied to you, I promise. I promise, I won't ever, ever lie to you. So don't cry anymore, alright?"_

They hadn't spoken in months. Not more than a few painfully clipped words or sorrowfully considerate phrases in passing born out of necessity, anyway. The situation was stifling to say the least, made worse by the fact that neither could bring himself to give the necessary orders to the plethora of maids at their disposal to adjust their living arrangements into separate bedrooms; one could not be bothered to, while the other simply could not muster the will. Beds that had always been pushed side-by-side now kept a degree of separation, an intangible barrier forging itself between them as a lone pair of amber eyes would stare sadly at the distance.

He had brought the situation on with his own hands, his own actions. But, just as he had predicted, he hadn't been strong enough to complete what he had started. No, he knew all along that he had always been the more dependent of the two, even if it had appeared to others that it was the other way around. Everyone had believed that his brother, with his brash words and thoughtless displays of emotion, was the one who needed him more than the reverse was true, but he didn't. If anything, the days turning to weeks and then to months with neither making any true contact with the other had proven that much to be true. His brother had blossomed, as it were, reaching heights that he himself had never even imagined that he would be able to. Fondly, he considered that perhaps he hadn't trusted in his brother's adaptability and strength. Yes, that must have been exactly what it was; he hadn't trusted enough what his brother was capable of, not even remotely. Whereas he, on the other hand, was left to wither. But he didn't mind. On the contrary, he was glad for it; having been cut off, finally, from the one that he was so dependent on, he had allowed his brother to grow apart from him, to become his own person and become even greater because of that. And selfishly, so very selfishly, he had gotten exactly what he had wanted, as well: the natural, bright smile of his twin. He was able to see, every day, those glorious and true grins, instead of the stabbing falsity that was each faked upturn of his lips. And that was enough.

Hikaru was happy, for the small sacrifice of Kaoru; the younger of the two smiled faintly, watching his brother from across the room as the other boy talked animatedly with Haruhi and a few of their classmates. It was exactly as he'd planned for it to be, after all. He'd known that he wouldn't be able to break apart from Hikaru on his own, so he had set everything up perfectly to have Hikaru split them apart instead. Selfishly so; if his brother hadn't had others to fall back on, it wouldn't have been nearly so easy on him, and yet Kaoru hadn't even considered that side of it. All that he had seen was that his beloved older brother had needed to be torn from him, if Hikaru was to ever have a chance at true happiness. The destination was far more important than the road taken to arrive at it. That was his belief, at least.

_Every attempt to remain within that carriage was merely a final grasp at a fantasy that could never be; from the moment that it began, there was an understanding that it was only a matter of time before it returned itself to a pumpkin. It would be trampled upon and shatter until there was nothing left. However..._

His lips turned downward into a frown at his thoughts and he tore his gaze away from his brother's form as Hikaru reached up and playfully flicked at his own, dark hair, laughing brilliantly. The sound reverberated through the classroom, and Kaoru tapped his pencil against his desk a couple of times before letting it fall to the surface, reaching up to his own hair. His fingers caught on bangs parted improperly for 'Kaoru.'

_...However, there was never any intention for his spell to be replaced by a new one, nor for that substitution to be crafted by the very destroyer of the initial enchantment._

His hand dropped from his hair; surely it would have been considered _his_ hair had it only been a few months earlier, but no longer.

After all, Hitachiin Kaoru no longer walked the halls of Ouran Academy; he had, truly, ceased to do so shortly after _that_ night.

The night that their surrogate family's spell had been annihilated by his own actions, the night that the world that he had so firmly believed in for his entire life had been razed due to his own painstakingly calculated betrayal.

_"If you ever lie to me again, I won't ever forgive you."_

Reflecting on it, that had been one factor that he hadn't considered while concocting his scheme; there had been plenty of times in the past where Hikaru had made similar threats to him, and while he knew that his brother had always been meticulous with exacting such threats towards others, not _once_ in their lives had he followed through with a single one against him. _There's a first time for everything,_ something inside of his mind reminded him, and he frowned deeply, picking the fallen pencil up from his desk and forcing himself to shift his gaze towards the window boredly; an expression and an action that were both firmly _his_.

_Kaoru chose this path. By confessing to Haruhi, everything was shattered, even if it was followed up by that most important truth. The best option would have been to run after Hikaru immediately, perhaps; there should never have even been a moment left to hesitance, and yet there it was. After all, it wouldn't have been proper to abandon her right after that, and Hikaru would be looked out for. Running to him and repeating that gesture would have all worked out differently, wouldn't it? He likely would have responded differently, had it not been for that threat; despite such fastidious formulation, that was evidently the principal detail that was left by the wayside._

It no longer fazed him that his mind so easily slid into what anyone else would consider to be an extravagant narrative; he also didn't bat an eye anymore over the fact that, even to within the recesses of his own thoughts, he was no longer 'Kaoru.' Kaoru was some separate entity, something that had been given up, cut away, and locked within that burning world as Hikaru escaped, closing the gate behind himself. Kaoru was someone who the people surrounding him had decreed unworthy, who they no longer wished to have around.

_That_ had happened the second day that the Host Club was in session after Kyouya's return from France. The first had been the confusing end to the act of brotherly love between the Hitachiin brothers. There had been tears and there had been anguish, but there had also been a number of sly passes at the elder twin; fingers had found their way into his hair as the club's patrons cooed over how delightful he looked with his hair dyed dark ash. _"I wanted to be distinguished from **him**,"_ Hikaru had informed his enraptured audience with an unconcealed look of disdain shot conspicuously at his younger, still copper-haired brother before turning his attention back to the females surrounding him with a saccharine smile. The look, Kaoru had noted, was disgustingly put-on, and yet the girls had all believed it to be earnest. But he knew; Kaoru had _always_ known what Hikaru was truly feeling, and he knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that his older brother was still seething, was still _livid_, due to his actions. And Kaoru also knew that he had every right and reason to be; he would never begrudge Hikaru that vehemence and resentment.

The second had come with a strange splitting of their former fans. Most had flocked to Hikaru's side; he was the louder, more powerful twin, after all. Dominant and handsome, unafraid to speak his mind, and while his words may have often been harsh, they reasoned that it meant all the more that he did not hide behind flowery prose to win over their affections and conceal the truth of his nature. Those who hadn't rushed to Hikaru lingered by Kaoru, but not for wanting the gentler, more soft-spoken twin. These were the patrons who had yet to reconcile with themselves the physical change in the older twin, the ones who wished to have him as he had always been. And so the request had been made that Kaoru act in the same manner as his brother, and the suggestion had followed that he adjust the parting of his hair in accordance.

He had seen it then, the truth of his situation. As five pairs of eyes - not a single one golden honey, for the bearer of one pair had not been in auditory range and the other had simply slid his shut in compliance - widened upon overhearing the girls' words, there were some soft words of protest. He had known without looking that Kyouya had begun to discretely convey that the solicitation had been inappropriate even as Haruhi had begun to courteously inquire on if the ladies thought so little of each twin's individuality that they would make such a demand. He could even hear the start of Tamaki's scandalized outburst and knew that Hunny and Mori had both fixed concerned, sympathetic looks onto his still form. However, Kaoru had simply raised a hand, providing a cordial smile to all who had gathered near his side. _"Forgive me, princesses,"_ had come the simple statement. _"I must have made a mistake today; if you'd give me just a few moments, I can assure you that it'll be remedied immediately."_ As he had opened his eyes, he'd seen the stiffening of Haruhi's posture; he refused to look to the club's other members, knowing that it would be difficult to continue with this decision if he did. His eyes certainly never drifted to his brother's form on the opposing side of the otherwise-unused third music room in the north corridor of the south building's top floor as he bowed and smoothly traversed the distance from where he stood to the prep room, sweeping his bangs carefully to the opposite side and watching himself in the mirror for a full minute before stepping back out into the main room. On his lips was the confident, borderline cocky smirk that so often graced his brother's features.

That one day, the look did not reach his eyes; this was Kaoru's sole failure in performance. After all, Kaoru was a _phenomenal_ actor. He had easily convinced those around him that he was meek and weak-willed, flighty almost to a fault, and painfully dependent on his older brother to do nearly anything - it was only in the quietest moments, away from any prying eyes, that he would allow the admittance that the final piece of his old act was probably not too far off from the truth. And from that day forward, he played a different role, one that he had so easily slipped into time and time again over the years of his life. From that day forward, 'Kaoru' no longer existed in the world outside of the Hitachiin estate, instead taking on the role of his brother whenever he was out in the public eye. Just as he had when tricking their parents and the estate's staff growing up. Just as he had when they would play their game for others to determine which was truly Hikaru.

When asked of it after the last of the patrons had left the room in a whirl of petticoats and clicking heels, he had simply and serenely smiled again, the last time that he would drop the charade in the face of others; it was a smile of acceptance, for he had known then. To those around him - to every last one of the Host Club's customers who had ever designated him and his brother - 'Kaoru' had simply been an extension of Hikaru. He existed because Hikaru did. He was the exhalation as Hikaru inhaled, his blood would pump into his heart as Hikaru's pumped out. And so, because Hikaru was strong, confident, and dominant, wasn't it only natural that 'Kaoru' was weaker, more unsure, and dependent to the point of near submission? Yes, to them, 'Kaoru' was the opposite side of the coin, the simple extension; a part of him began to wonder from that moment if perhaps they had seen through him all along, for there were small truths in the horrible nature of that presumption. A larger part hoped that they hadn't realized how close to uncovering his nature they had truly been.

He was asked, at that time, why he had so easily given in to such a ludicrous demand, and still he had smiled that blissfully and beautifully serene smile, his amber eyes sliding closed as his head tilted just fractionally to the side. _"This is what I can do for now, and that's enough, isn't it? I'm fine with it."_ But he'd kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see the devastation on Tamaki's features, the sorrow written clearly in Haruhi's eyes, the disappointment on Hunny's face, or the concerned downturn of Mori's lips. He didn't want to see the meaningful look that he _knew_ that Kyouya had sent to him before shaking his head, closing his eyes, and turning away to etch a note to himself onto the clipboard that he held in his hand. He didn't want to see Hikaru roll his eyes in mockery. But he did hear his brother's scoff.

His eyelids hadn't reopened until they had all turned away, seemingly comprehending that he would not be adjusting his decision. He was grateful for that; it meant that not a single person in the room would notice just yet that the fire of life had begun to fade from his eyes.

The act had been perfect thereafter, he reflected, tapping the end of his pencil against the desk again as he stared out the window, his chin resting on the open and upturned palm of his left hand. In the months that had followed that one day, he had perfected his act of being the 'second Hikaru' to such an extent that there was not even the briefest hint of disbelief from anyone who happened to speak with him, with only the exception of his fellow club members, although there were times, every now and again, where there would be a moment of confusion even for them if he was the only Hitachiin present; it would pass quickly enough as his appearance would hit them. The hair was still red, and this was Kaoru forcing himself into his new role of 'old Hikaru,' where his brother would be, in the minds of all who surrounded them, 'new Hikaru.' He had been conscientious regarding the visual aspects of his act: his hair was now always given a right part, his bangs falling to the left of his face - that had been strange to get used to, if he were honest with himself - and his eyes were narrowed just a hair's breadth more than was natural for him in an expression that came off as altogether calculating. Gone were the kindly and content smiles, replaced by deliberately mischievous and knowing smirks. His words were more callous than any that 'Kaoru' would have brought himself to utter if he hadn't been chorusing alongside his brother, his remarks more scathing and caustic when he would mock those around him. Even his choices in words, his sentence structure... it all warped into the form of his twin's speech. A new script for him to follow, except that this one would last far longer, would take him through the day.

If it had been anyone else, he would have had to spend ages studying the person to find those quirks and mannerisms. But he had observed Hikaru his entire life; he knew his brother both inside and out. He knew those moments when his reference to himself would change with what appeared to be no apparent reason; he was polite enough in his mannerisms and word selections if he was calm, when he was unsure, or even while just joking around, and those moments were easy for him to fit into as Hikaru's self-reference had been the same as his own. However, when angered, flustered, irritated, or otherwise thrown off his guard, he would become more crude and far more brusque. There had been slips in just how he would piece his sentences together at first, as well, and every now and then, he'd made a misstep when referring to the person he spoke directly to. But he'd corrected that; he'd perfected even that aspect of his performance.

Because he was a splendid actor, good enough to fool the eyes of everyone surrounding him, even to the extent that he had managed to mystify Haruhi and her incredible sense where it came to the two of them once or twice. That had been satisfying for him, not because he had honestly wanted to trick her, but because it meant that he had been doing _something_ right. It also meant that he had somehow managed to find the way to mask the one thing that should have still been the tell-tale sign as to who he was: the pitch of his voice. It took some listening to determine, but, when speaking, his voice had always been just a hair lighter than Hikaru's, fractionally higher in pitch. His compensation in this act was to try to add a small hint of impatience into his words, something that had always been a small part of his brother's personality. It effectively covered the discrepancy.

But for every good performer, there was a separation between the role and the person. He had been so terribly proficient with this towards the beginning that the conversion between 'old Hikaru' and 'Kaoru' was instantaneous as he would slide into the backseat of their car at the end of the schoolday. The door would close, his eyes would slide shut, and his mental metamorphosis would occur as he leaned back into the seat. There would be a physical distinction then. Hikaru's legs were sprawled just a little farther, 'Kaoru's' arm would not rest against the window. 'Kaoru's' eyes would watch dispassionately the world as it rushed past them, wider than his brother's; Hikaru's eyes would close as he forced his irritation to dissipate and managed to put up with the close proximity.

That had changed, as well. 'Kaoru' no longer reemerged within the car, nor did he do so very easily with their home; he soon began to speculate that the act had grown _too_ convincing, to the extent that he had even managed to deceive himself into trusting its validity. Worse were the evenings in which he didn't seem to care at all, standing before one of the windows of their bedroom, one hand pressed to the glass as he stared almost unseeingly out into the world just beyond the glass; a faint part of him would always find the situation amusing, for the briefest of moments. After all, even in those moments, he was merely the outsider looking in. That part of him would fade quickly, leaving him with the deathly silence that he wasn't entirely convinced he found displeasing. His older brother never hailed him and there he would remain for hours some evenings, a mere statue against the smooth pane of glass: unfeeling, unspeaking, unthinking. He simply existed, with no sense of just which he existed as in that time, or if he existed as either at all.

The only frightening revelation that he'd had was when it had occurred to him that, on most days, he was now awakening in such a state, as well. That was the day where he had truly questioned if the world where he had remained - with its gate locked and his soul chained - was not, in fact, destroying him. That, too, became one troubling thought in the onslaught of perplexity that dispersed nearly as soon as it had appeared.

There was a startled outcry suddenly that pulled him out of his musing, drawing his gaze once more to the gathering that he had watched so avidly earlier, only to see Haruhi held securely around the waist by Hikaru, whose eyes were now narrowed as he said something that couldn't be determined from his distance. The girls that had congregated close by were clutching to each other, murmured babbling rising in volume in concern over 'Haruhi-kun's well-being,' forcing him to worry, as well. He pushed back from his desk and rose with a deep frown of annoyance, only to find himself stopped by a gentle hand on his forearm; one copper eyebrow raised as he turned to identify the source of disturbance, forcing a debonair smile as he registered the canary yellow dress and long, dark hair held back with soft purple ribbons.

"Good morning, Hikaru-kun!" The smile froze on his features just for the barest of heartbeats as her exuberant greeting washed over him; for the life of him, he couldn't remember the girl's name - he supposed he should have felt reprehensible for that, as she had not only been in the same class as him since their first year of elementary schooling, but had also been a guest of his ever since the first week that they had been promoted to high school - but such were details that had never held much substance with him in the first place, not regarding those who had never bothered to see past what was visually there. After all, even as he played his part of a second Hikaru, he still firmly believed in one important and undeniable truth: he was not Hikaru, and thus was not as good or perhaps even as worthy as Hikaru. That was his undeniable truth. "I'm so glad that I could find you alone today."

_Allow it to move forward again down its original pathway, ever forgetting that there had been a disturbance at all; let it forget that there has already been destruction, that it has been pieced together by the very hands that tore it to shreds before and allowed for it to be trampled upon into pulp and shells. This carriage should be allowed to press ever forward, at least for a little longer. Just a little longer. Certainly, this spell cannot ever dream to have the same longevity as his had before it, but for Hikaru's sake, as well as for all of theirs, let it persist, let it persevere until the end. Prolong the inevitable, just for now. That was Kaoru's wish, even in the very moment he pierced the enchantment he had also clung so desperately to, never knowing his own desire to do so. Yes, let it continue, for now, even if it does so with no Kaoru, and even if it endures with one Hikaru followed by another. That will be enough._

His laugh was biting and bright, resounding through the room and turning heads in his direction; all heads but one, and another quickly looked back up with concern in order to view that one's face. The one had never needed to turn, after all, being the one who still had not once been fooled by the boy masquerading as his shadow and clone. For his part, he never once looked in his brother's direction, either, opting to take the girl's hand in his own and allow his grin to brighten mischievously as he raised it to his lips, placing there a kiss that was no more than the barest brush of lips upon skin. "The pleasure most certainly is mine, dear princess." He watched the blush form on her cheeks with detached indifference, wondering not for the first time just how it was that such words so easily sent the girls he would speak them to into such a flutter; granted, he had always been dealt further confusion at the thunderous enraptured squeals that had been emitted for each act of 'brotherly love.' The difference had been that he had thoroughly enjoyed those acts, himself, if only for his own purely selfish reasons, which was another of his deepest and most closely-guarded secrets.

He largely toned the words out, however impolite it may have been to do so, as the girl expanded upon what her hopes were for that day regarding him - the chance to spend some time alone, perhaps, or the opportunity to speak at length with him during that afternoon's hosting - each detail embellished in a manner that he almost found fitting of their blond lord. A minuscule part of him found some faint amusement in the thought, although the idea was squelched promptly and instead replaced by the quick mockery of the second-year founder of their Host Club. The grin remained on his lips, perhaps becoming almost satirical in its form - the girl never noticed as she continued to expound on her detailed 'romantic scenario' - as he allowed himself to nod, responding in carefully vague affirmations and pleasantries at the appropriate and opportune moments. He wondered, briefly, when he had grown bored with such entertaining, but supposed that there was an incredibly high probability that it had been somewhere around the time when this act had begun. It was only when she seemed to grow serious that his mind snapped to attention, causing him to watch carefully for whatever signs he could discern before she made any request at all.

"Hikaru-kun," she began, her hands clenching into the skirt of her dress, wringing the fabric nervously; Kaoru's eyes remained fixed on the folds and wrinkles forming in the brilliantly-colored material, a part of him - the part that had been conditioned from years of conversations with his mother and versing himself in fashion magazines - flinched at how it would remain marred for the remainder of the day, all because the girl had been unable to keep a proper hold of her own emotions while speaking with 'him.' He willed himself not to shake his head at this fact as she continued. "Would you be able to offer me some advice this afternoon?"

He blinked stupidly at this, having been caught off-guard. His smile returned quickly enough, however, and he raised an eyebrow appraisingly before humming smoothly, "Hmm? My princess, you should already know that I'm always happy to be at your service." He was pleased by the deepening blush that dusted the girl's cheeks as she ducked her head down with a mild squeak, her lower lip being drawn between her teeth apprehensively as she nodded after the briefest pause.

"Thank you, Hikaru-kun!" She sounded genuinely happy and he _almost_ felt guilty for the fact that he was yet to recall just who she was beyond the ambiguous categorization of 'a long-time classmate and customer'; he supposed, at least, that he might be able to amend for that by earnestly answering to her request. He offered a nod of acknowledgment that sent the girl into a second fit of blushing before she quickly turned away with a brilliantly delighted smile, flitting back to her friends' sides to engage in a discussion that had her speaking animatedly, far moreso than she had been while speaking with him. His own smile turned genuine at seeing this; there was no small irony in the fact, considering his penchant for acts and games, not to mention his present predicament and masquerade, but he had always enjoyed seeing those around him act in a way that was purely natural to themselves. Watching her now, separated from a conversation filled with uncertainty, there was a sort of radiance to the girl, and Kaoru couldn't help but acknowledge that she would have probably been a rather fascinatingly fetching person to know if not for her obvious nerves around those who she was not as intimately acquainted. He filed this information away just as their first teacher entered the classroom, prompting the students to take their seats.

As had become painfully commonplace, two pairs of amber eyes met for the shortest of seconds before Hikaru turned his head away haughtily and stalked to his seat. It was the only time during that day of school where they would make such direct contact.

...

_"Haruhi, do try to keep an eye on him - truthfully, I would be most at ease if you'd watch for both of them, but Kaoru in particular. This situation **will not** end even remotely well if we simply allow him to do this; he is, quite honestly, killing himself this way."  
_  
She'd known it was true from before Kyouya had even spoken those words to her months ago, and they had constantly repeated themselves in her head over that time. She felt a pang in her chest every time that she looked in Kaoru's direction and instead saw what physically would have been Hikaru at one time, wanted to scream every time that Hikaru would make some snide comment regarding his twin, and felt the strangest, most violent urge each and every single time that she overheard Kaoru being hailed as 'Hikaru-kun.' It did nothing to dissipate the feeling when she would notice his meager compliance to the fact that his true self was viewed as all but nonexistent in those times, responding appropriately as the twin he had come to be regarded as.

Watching him over the past months had been nothing short of heartbreaking for her, truly. At first, there had been those moments where she would find him looking in his brother's direction with intense sadness in his gaze, and even though he would never come out and admit it openly, she could tell. She could tell just how much the distance that Hikaru was keeping from him had worn Kaoru down and torn at his heart until he'd finally closed himself off as much as he could. He'd fallen into acts so flawless that he was able to fool anyone. At times, Haruhi found herself wondering if he had, perhaps, even managed to fool the eyes of his own heart.

There were few things that Fujioka Haruhi hated more than the idea of losing someone important to her; it was a position that she had developed subconsciously years ago, shortly after her mother's death. And, although she may have considered denying it in the early stages of acquaintanceship, they had developed such a close friendship since first meeting that it was beyond repudiation that Kaoru meant an awful lot to her, however difficult he may have been to tolerate at times. The fact that she valued him as such a dear friend was why - while his method had left her taken aback, and the reasoning _behind_ his method still eluded her - she hadn't been _as_ surprised as she probably should have been when he had confessed to being in love with her, just as the fact that she had come to know him so well had been why there had been an absence of shock when he had followed the words with the assertion that Hikaru still meant more to him. There were times, she had to admit, where she found herself wondering just how far those words should be taken; certainly, the implications were astounding, perhaps even criminal to some. But Haruhi never judged, in that regard. It was, after all, simply part of what made Kaoru who he was.

_"...But Hikaru is more important to me."_

She'd run the words over in her mind time and again in the days that had followed Kaoru's confession to her, especially in those moments where she'd caught him watching Hikaru with a sort of bitter longing. Just what _had_ Kaoru meant by speaking in such a manner? Kaoru, who was often so careful in how he selected what he would say, chasing the admission of his love with something that, in light of the situation, could be construed dangerously. Certainly, there had to be something to it, even if he himself would not readily admit to it; the consideration and recollection had been more frequent towards the start before tapering off, but it had resurfaced with a vengeance recently in those moments where amber eyes once so alive with mischief and humor seemed to die in silence and solitude for even the briefest of moments.

It wasn't to say that she understood such emotions particularly well. No, if anything, Haruhi would likely be the first to admit that she knew very little about things such as love and affection and, while she did have a way of _seeing_ and _understanding_ when something was amiss with one of her friends, she certainly had a terrible track record with recognizing just where their feelings led in matters such as that. Kaoru had, indeed, been a shining example of this fact. Haruhi was still at least a _little_ stunned, after the months had passed, that he had been in love with her - possibly still was, but she'd never really considered asking due to the fact that he'd seemed _alright_ with letting go and sacrificing his own desires at the time. And what had it been that he'd said?

_"I've recognized again that you really don't have any particular desires, where I'm concerned."_

In retrospect, the words were almost defeatist - surely not something that one would have expected from either Hitachiin twin - but she had come to understand in time, after Hikaru had begun to show interest in her rather openly: for sure, that was exactly who Kaoru was. He was dependent and yet self-sacrificing in any matter that concerned his brother; it was after all of this time that she realized that he _had_, in fact, hinted towards what his chosen outcome would be just as clearly as he'd always known what it would be. If both liked the same, indivisible thing... he'd shown concern over such an instance because he knew that he would quite willingly throw aside his own ambition. Oddly enough, Haruhi had found herself pondering on if he may have given up too early; despite his immaturity in many situations, she had to say that Kaoru certainly wasn't _impossible_ to get along with. But, more than that, she found herself wondering _why_ he was so willing to pull back in the first place. It undoubtedly had to be far more than his observation regarding Haruhi's own desires; no, more importantly, she was distinctly aware of the nagging thought in the back of her mind desperately bellowing that his feelings lay elsewhere.

He was willing to sacrifice _for Hikaru_. He'd found himself irrationally and excessively grasping for some way - _any_ way - to free his twin from their joint dependency; that much, Haruhi had been able to deduce from simple observation. She wondered now, as she had so many times while watching either twin since their split, if she should have done something more to help the younger of the two in preparation for his apology and attempt at reconciliation before letting him turn away from her home in search of his older brother. She certainly could have talked with him by means of reminding him just how and why he should trust in Hikaru, perhaps given him the time to solidify some idea of how to go about mending whatever bridges he had burned at that time, instead of deciding to herself that it was a matter that did not concern her. And of course it concerned her, didn't it? Here were two of her close friends, one unable to bring himself to forgive and speak to the other while the second withered and wasted away, allowing himself to warp into a mere mirror of his brother while he himself faded from existence with each day that their isolation continued. Two brothers who couldn't have been closer and now had the world's greatest chasm between them, all within the distance of a scant few meters.

_"I hate this. Kao-chan just gave up and let himself be thrown aside, and that would have been bad enough, until he went and let the people around him dictate who he is and who he should be. I think Kao-chan is really afraid to be himself now, because everyone has told that he's not good enough if he isn't Hika-chan, and that's a terrible thing. No matter who Kao-chan is, he should be allowed to recognize his own importance and value; however it's probably true that he can't do that right now, since everything that he believed in has broken apart. But, you know, I warned him about that, too; I warned him that he couldn't protect anything, especially not Hika-chan, if he refused to think of himself at all, and he still only considered what would be best for Hika-chan regardless of that. I just never imagined that everything that he was working so hard for would end up destroying them both this badly. But, Haru-chan, can you tell which one is hurt worse by all of this? Kao-chan is sad and maybe he's even become a little depressed because Hika-chan refuses to even look at him, and it's true that Kao-chan is disappearing, but what about Hika-chan, who always depended on having Kao-chan there at his side, whether it was as someone to support him or someone who needed him? Isn't it true that Hika-chan has always been a protective person, even if he has difficulties expressing that side of himself?"_

That was doubtlessly true. Perhaps that had been the largest contributing factor to her decision to spend so much time by Hikaru's side recently, in spite of Kyouya's warnings regarding the possibility of the deterioration of Kaoru's mental state. She worried over it often enough - over whether or not it had been the best choice, all things considered - but could never bring herself to go back on it or abandon his side. A predominant part of her recognized that he certainly needed someone there, a person to rely on just as much as that person relied on him, and while she was doubtlessly not dependent upon Hikaru as Kaoru had been, it was the closest replacement that he would likely allow himself without admitting to feeling anything over the absence.

They were walking side-by-side to the third music room when she caught sight of Kaoru standing by a window, staring out at the courtyard below. She thought, for a moment, to call out to him before recalling that Hikaru was at her side. A frown touched her lips for a moment before looking towards him; she hesitated, unsure of just how to bring the topic up in a manner that wouldn't cause him to bristle with annoyance and his quick temper. "Hikaru, I was wondering..."

...

Hikaru was exhausted, although he told himself that he had every right and reason to be after the day he'd had. It was one thing to have Haruhi voicing her concerns to him - she'd done so far more than a bare handful of times over the past few months - but to have the rest of their friends also chime in when they'd overheard the conversation as they'd walked into the room before the host club's opening that day had been, in his distinct opinion, far overboard. _Look after Kaoru, indeed,_ he thought bitterly, eyes narrowing as he slowly climbed the steps leading up to his - technically their, but he didn't really attribute much of it to his brother any longer - bedroom. _Just who the hell do they think they're trying to order around, anyway?_ It wasn't to say that the words had fallen onto deaf ears as they'd been voiced, simply that Hikaru hadn't much in the way of incentive to heed them; Kaoru had ceased to truly be his concern.

However, he paused outside of the bedroom door, frowning to himself even as his hand remained poised at the the door's handle, ready to grasp onto it at moment's notice and yet hesitant to do so; the action, he noted with dim amusement, was not unlike one that Kaoru himself had displayed once upon a time, before entering a certain unused music room. But Hikaru was not like Kaoru; He was not uncertain and he by no means required encouragement to push past his reluctance, so long fingers curled around the handle and pushed downward before he pressed forward just enough to allow himself entry. The door was closed behind him once he stepped into the room, but it merely caused his lips to downturn again when he noticed that it was dark. _Hadn't Kaoru already-_

The thought broke off nearly as quickly as it had formulated itself, however, as he glanced towards the extravagant wall covered by floor-to-ceiling windows, noticing a lone figure leaning against one, staring solemnly out to the dark world beyond. He cleared his throat - louder than necessary, considering the deathly silence of the room - and the boy at the window turned slowly, causing Hikaru to halt his advance into the room; the movement seemed awkward and graceless, he noted, and that was something that he would never have expected to think in regards to his twin, once upon a time. His amber eyes looked almost as though they stared right through him at first, before some form of recognition seemed to light within them. "...Hikaru...?" he murmured, the name floating carelessly across the distance separating them, freezing the older twin to his spot as he stared at his brother's unmoving form; his eyes caught on the hand still pressed to the glass of the window, noticing the fingers that had curled slightly as though he were grasping onto something desperately and yet delicately. But then Kaoru stepped forward, slowly and clumsily, each step causing him to sway to one side or the other before he would right himself and repeat the process, continuing until he'd reached Hikaru's side, his hand - the one that had pressed itself to the windowpane - reaching up in cautious curiosity to touch fingertips to dark hair. Hikaru could see the faint quivering of that hand, yet chose to say nothing. His brother's head tilted to the side, yet his eyes held none of the inquisitiveness that he had always associated to such a gesture - no, instead, they were a frighteningly empty and closed off void - even as Kaoru seemed to be satisfied by what he saw and took another step forward, their bodies brushing against each other. "Would you answer something?" The words were barely audible above Hikaru's own breathing, so much so that he was unsure of if he had even heard anything at all.

They stood there in silence, neither moving - Hikaru unsure of just which way to go, and Kaoru seemingly content with the close proximity, although there was no hint of such emotion displayed upon his features - before the elder twin jerked back roughly, eyes narrowing dangerously. "Not particularly in the mood."

"It won't take long." There was a hint of desperation in the otherwise monotonous phrase, enough to cause his spine to stiffen and the hair at the back of his neck to stand erect. He understood that something was frightfully wrong with the situation as Kaoru stepped closer again, body falling heavily against his even as golden eyes slid closed; he simply breathed, that one, single hand reaching to the front of Hikaru's shirt to clutch the fabric fearfully. His posture conveyed that this could well have been his final lifeline that he clung to with hopeless abandon. "...What would happen, do you think? If 'Kaoru' were to disappear, what would happen?" The inquiry had not even reached its conclusion when it had evoked an ethereal sort of frost within their bedroom; Hikaru's blood ran cold.

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

The annoyance in those words forced sudden recognition into his brother's eyes; Kaoru started, pulling back to stare at him in wide-eyed confusion, the expression altogether frightening as it seemed he was uncomprehending of just how or why he found himself in such propinquity to his twin. "...It's nothing," he mumbled inelegantly before his fingers tightened their hold of Hikaru's shirt and his other hand joined the first, digging into fabric and gripping with that same frightening desperation even as he pulled himself closer. His shivering was worse than Hikaru had considered; now that he felt his brother pressed fully against himself, he could feel Kaoru's entire body quaking with what could have been cold, but that he knew instinctively wasn't. Once more, he scantily caught the whispered utterance. "Don't push me away tonight... just for tonight. It feels like something is happening, but I'm not too sure what it is. I don't want it to happen, Hikaru, but-"

Emotion and instinct warred within him; for the first time in months, Kaoru sounded almost like himself, however unsure and frightened his tone may have been, and there was even some form of strange relief that flooded his entire being at having heard the other boy refer to himself properly, instead of distantly and by his own name as he had so shortly beforehand. That alone was nearly enough incentive to fall into the old habits of his protective nature, and how dearly did he want to bring his arms around his brother's shaking form and hold him fast as he whispered words of comfort. Yet, within himself, he still held the pain of betrayal which ate away at him whenever he looked upon that identical face - still felt the bubbling aggravation within him if Kaoru came too close - and although he knew that it had been quite long enough that he _should_, indeed, have managed to find forgiveness within himself, although he had been told by Haruhi that this distance had to be ended as she was backed by their friends, he could not bring himself to give it voice. And that influenced his action as he roughly pushed Kaoru away from himself, barely flinching as his twin did nothing to halt his own descent, his body hitting the floor in an uncomfortable sort of heap with an almost freakishly powerful _thud_ as he blinked up at Hikaru confusedly. "Save it. Or maybe you're forgetting, I don't care."

"...I'm forgetting a lot of things lately," he responded solemnly, shifting himself into a more comfortable position on the floor before looking up helplessly; Hikaru paused, almost holding out a hand to the redhead before willing his body to stand its ground. Kaoru's head dropped again, his fingers tracing an indeterminate pattern into the floor. No words were spoken and the seconds turned to minutes as neither knew just how to react to their preceding behavior. "...Sorry, it won't happen again," Kaoru whispered, resolutely forcing his gaze to remain fixated on a vacant section of the floorboards.

Silence overtook them again, permeating the room as Hikaru crossed over to their wardrobe, pulling off the shirt and slipping out of the jeans that he had changed into upon returning home earlier that evening. He heard only his own breathing, unnaturally loud in the absence of other sounds - of words, laughter, turning pages, and games - that would, mere months earlier, have filled the room almost raucously.

Most certainly, he did not expect for that silence to be broken once again by Kaoru.

"Hey, Hikaru, do you remember how we'd always said it, that 'The one who isn't Kaoru is Hikaru'?" On the floor, Kaoru vaguely lifted his head and tilted it to the side as he inquired about the philosophy that they had clung to so fervently for most of their lives, the one that had shattered into thousands upon thousands of shards and, like glass, would never quite reassemble properly again, whether they attempted to piece them back together or not. He didn't wait for a response - it was entirely likely that he wouldn't have even heard it if there had been one in the first place - before continuing, a strange, almost deranged smile pulling at his lips; his words sounded almost delighted in spite of the otherwise-lifeless quality that his voice had assumed. "But, do you know what the rest of it would have to be? I don't think it's the same anymore, because now it should be, 'The one who isn't Hikaru is gone,' right? That's how it is now: he's gone, like he never existed, just the way it probably should have always been. Isn't it a funny spell?"

Hikaru was beyond certain that his heart stopped with those words as he whipped around, staring in horror at his brother where he still sat on the floor, gazing brokenly at the same empty spot as though something were there to demand his attention. "That's not..." But the words choked off and the sound never reached Kaoru's ears as he began to laugh softly to himself, the sound harsh and bitterly hysterical, yet barely louder than his otherwise ragged breaths; it caused the older twin to shudder and frown deeply at his form. _What do you mean, Kaoru? What spell?!_ He began to reach out with one outstretched hand, but, thinking better of it, finally let it drop to his side and just watched with a hastily-increasing sense of dread. Kaoru barely seemed to register that there was anyone in the room with him any longer, his alarming laughter increasing in fervor even as it decreased in volume; his shoulders shook with the disturbing parody of mirth, quickly becoming a paroxysm that left his entire body quaking. Steeling himself, Hikaru took another attempt at stepping towards his now manic brother, dropping to one knee before him and reaching a hand to his face. His fingertips barely grazed the skin, but the sensation didn't seem to break through to Kaoru's currently-crazed mind, forcing the elder twin's frown of consternation to deepen, the continued absence of either recognition or consciousness to surroundings that the other's amber eyes so unmistakably displayed creating a shooting pain through him as he watched on helplessly. "Kaoru..."

_What the hell have I done?!_


End file.
